Just wanted to remind all of you that this entertainment is brought to you pro bono, so what I really mean is that I’d like a kickback or two. Float me a free bagel.
Friendship is beautiful
Me: I have this nervous habit of pushing my tongue against the back of my teeth. Gina (delightfully unsurprised): Me too. Me: But I only do it with the bottom row of teeth. Gina: Same. Only crazy people do the top. That’s just weird! Me: For sure. Weirdos.
I’ll make instant macaroni and think, “Good, I cooked something today!” Then I’ll troll around StumbleUpon for 3 hours, convinced that I’m more educated for it. And maybe later I’ll polish off a dvd box set of The Tudors and drink a congratulatory beer, because hey, I finished something. Download the entire discography of Black Flag from a magical land where...
No one coughs up blood after 1893, this shit is bananas. It’s the second time this has happened in a few days. The Lord Our Internet is telling me that this is a symptom of any number of delightful ailments, including lung cancer and TB. What does webmd know, anyway? I keep thinking about the much more plausible explanation: I’m patient zero in the inevitable zombie apocalypse.
Actual conversation with a potential roommate, taken out of a context that still doesn’t even remotely explain the following: Michael: What are your feelings on trees? Me: Just…trees? As in birch and fig? Michael: Yeah. Me: Man, I fucking love trees. Michael: This is great. Me: I feel like you get me.
I attended the reddit meet up last night (for the record, I was accompanying a friend, which makes me safe from judgment and the raddest friend ever (also, who can turn down Trader Todd’s? WHO, I ask you?)) and I was talking to this guy for quite awhile. He was attractive and seemingly normal. Until he mentioned his ant farm. And I was like whoomp, there it is. There’s...
So I’ve been packing and drinking for a few hours now. I think I’m drunk? I think I just tried to pack my houseplant?
Ancient people, you so crazy.
The Emerald Tablet. Studies say “we don’t have a fucking clue.” It’s my last day of work at the museum. Appropriately, I’m not doing any real work, rather, I’m researching history’s mysteries (an expression I coined first, thieving History Channel). Honestly, though, it’s because there’s nothing I can do today. Reception is a sweet gig. ...
THIS POOR WOMAN. My adorable coworker Cyndee had her wallet stolen whilst guarding upstairs. A man wearing a bandana and fringed shirt (ALREADY CRIMINAL) walked in and said - I remember it verbatim - “This seems like a nice place to kill time and stuff.” Yeah, kill time and STEAL! He had a long chat with her upstairs, faked the ole nonspecific family-in-hospital call, and told me...
Don’t think for one second that your life is fulfilled if you haven’t seen this: “When it comes to killin’, you’ve gotta take the cranial approach. Shoot ‘em in the head.” -Goddamn Erik Estrada
Reason number 20,312 why airports are...
It’s strange to me that something as entirely natural as looking at other humans is considered a faux pas in our society. If there’s a guy with a mullet that won’t quit or a woman having an involved chat with a fern, we should be allowed to gawk. You should be entitled to engage in a staring contest with that mullet (and lose). Staring is a perfectly acceptable hobby in...
All of my jokes are the same concepts, they’re just packaged differently, like Mexican food. I hope you like Mexican food.
Look who finally posted something educational →
Try to ignore their tenuous understanding of the comma.
A glimpse of what to expect for the weekend
Mike: I’m burning some fine cinema to DVD for our drunken amusement this weekend. Here are the trailers Hard Ticket to Hawaii: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCM6HCTJeRU Guns (starring Erik Estrada): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ricy1dL6Cm8 Billy: Mike, I…I’m actually speechless. That these movies were made and that you heard about them and then found them. Looks like good...
Many people have tried to convince me that I have deep-seated psychological issues for wanting to move frequently. I used to ask why they felt the need to find problems with things they don’t agree with or understand. Seriously, though, of all the habits that might tip someone off that I have issues, that’s apparently the most noticeable. People are strange. Anyway, now I might put...
Favorite thing to do
When my mom’s wigging out about something (all her waking hours), I tell her to comb her beard. Her jaw just kinda hangs agape and the best she can come up with is “Whatever, Brittany!” I just love it so much.
Shark Week has strangely become part of the American zeitgeist, and while I enjoy a good story about a man wrestling a shark and the resultant pegleg, I’m honestly more excited for Shark Night 3D in September. If you’ve a taste for the finer things in life, you’ll get drunk with me and go see it. Any takers? If you’re not convinced, Ving Rhames is one of the leads....